Jokes anyone?

archivebot · September 13, 2005, 6:56am

lovered

09-13-2005, 03:56 PM

lungkot talaga dito sa japan:( sana share naman kayo ng jokes nyo filipino jokes man or galing sa “laugter is…”

stanfordmed

09-13-2005, 05:12 PM

'Don’t have pinoy jokes - how about some cartoons instead?

http://www.japantimes.com/cartoons/zg20050911.jpg

http://www.japantimes.co.jp/cartoons/zg20031116.jpg (http://www.japantimes.co.jp/cartoons.htm/)

http://www.joe-ks.com/images/AnotherLine.jpg

Pinoy SUV

eps

09-13-2005, 05:29 PM

Hi lovered !!!

What about this one …

I tried computer dating. Now I don’t get dumped, I get deleted.
( Laughter, the best medicine)
Reader’s digest September 2005

…has anyone experienced computer dating…and got ‘deleted’ ?

Raiden

09-13-2005, 05:41 PM

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, “I don’ t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don ‘t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.’

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

zhangzhiyi

09-13-2005, 06:44 PM

oo nga nakakalungkot noh

crispee

09-13-2005, 07:52 PM

Ang adult jokes? Me konti akong alam.

hotcake

09-13-2005, 08:12 PM

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000
and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am? " “About 32,” is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into Mc Donald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, “I guess about 29.” The woman replies, “Nope, I’m 47.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds, “I am 47, but thank you.”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eye sight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, “What the heck, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.
He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay,…how old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 47. "Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?” The old man replies, “Promise you won’t get mad?” “I promise I won’t.” she says. He replies, “I was behind you in line at Mc Donald’s.”

stanfordmed

09-13-2005, 08:31 PM

Okay here are some corny ones:

SCHOOLING …(phone rings)…Hello? Who SCHOOLING?

AFFECT …Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.

ADIEU …If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you.

DECANTER …You can order that medicine over DECANTER.

DELETION …The balat of DELETION is crispy.

DESPISE …Who baked all DESPISE?

BORROW …Ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo.

CONTEMPLATE…Pare, ang dami-daming pagkain, pero, ko-CONTEMPLATE.

CADET …CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang CADET niya.

CARDIAC …Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi.

CENTURION …Na-CENTURION si Pedro ng tatay niya dahil sa kalokohan niya.

DEDICATE …Pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong DEDICATE iyan.

DELICACY …Bagal mo… DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo.

DIFFUSION …Brownout…sigura dong DIFFUSION pumutok.

MENTION…Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang MENTION.

eps

09-13-2005, 09:06 PM

Ang adult jokes? Me konti akong alam.

crespee, depende siguro sa content ng joke… kasi may mga mga minors din na bumibisita dito sa message board…

crispee

09-13-2005, 09:17 PM

Thanks eps…buti na lang, napigilan ko’ng kamay ko sa keyboard;)… :devil:

crispee

09-13-2005, 09:22 PM

kung ayaw mo nang sumama sa mga bata.
kung ang lahat ng kasu-kasuhan mo ay tila masakit.
kung ano ang hindi masakit ay ayaw ng gumalaw.
kung alas-kuwatro pa lamang ng umaga ay gising ka na.
kung ang tinitignan mo sa pagkain ay ingredients.
kung binibilang mo ang calories o fats ng iyong pagkain.
kung tumatanda na ang mga anak mo.
kung nag-enroll ka sa fitness gym, pero hindi ka naman nagpupunta.
kung nakakalimutan mo ang susi mo sa kotse o sa loob ng bahay.
kung alam na alam mo naman ang lahat subalit walang nagtatanong sa iyo.
kung pinapataymo ang ilaw hindi dahil sa ikaw ay malambing kundi dahil nagtitipid ka ng kuryente.
kung nagliliwanag na ang iyong bumbunan.
kung ayaw mong maniwalang may guhit na ang noo mo.
kung ang kati-kati ng likod mo subalit hindi mo makamot dahil hindi mo maabot.
kung sa pagyuko mo ay lumalagutok ang iyong likod.
kung ipinauulit mo ang pangalan ng bago mong kaibigan.
kung hindi mo na pinaghahandaan ang susunod mong kaarawan.
kung nakakalimutan mong I-flush ang banyo pagkatapos mong gamitin.
kung nakakalimutan mong itaas muli ang iyong zipper pagkatapos mong gamitin ang banyo.
kung ang paborito mong bisita ay ang iyong duktor.
kung ang pinakaayaw mong bisita ay ang health insurance company.
kung natutuwa kang magbasa ng legend stories o nanonood ng history channel.
kung ang paborito mo pa ring artista ay laos na.
kung ang kaparis ng iyong medyas ay kulay pula.
kung may salamin ka na ay hindi pa rin makakita.
kung nakakalimutan mo ang birthday ng iyong biyenan.
kung si Jaworski pa rin ang paborito mong basketbolista.
kung naiinip ka na sa harapan ng stop lights.
kung dumidikit ang iyong ngipin sa malagkit mong pagkain.
kung sa pagdarasal mo ay nauuna ang Amen sa Ama Namin.

eps

09-13-2005, 09:25 PM

Thanks eps…buti na lang, napigilan ko’ng kamay ko sa keyboard;)… :devil:

okay lang crispee… share mo na lang sa amin sa pm next time…

eps

09-13-2005, 09:27 PM

crispee, okay naman pala eh ! akala ko kung anong joke na …
In fact, I enjoyed reading your jokes …

crispee

09-13-2005, 09:53 PM

A blonde goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics.

Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asks: “What sizes do you need?”

She replies “Just 15 inches.”

“FIFTEEN INCHES?!”, he exclaims. “What room are they for?”

She says, “I only need one, and it’s not for a room. It’s for my computer monitor.”

The surprised salesman exclaims, “Miss, computers do not have curtains.”

The blonde says “HELLOOooooooo… I’ve got Windows.”

hotcake

09-13-2005, 10:06 PM

A blonde goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics.

Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asks: “What sizes do you need?”

She replies “Just 15 inches.”

“FIFTEEN INCHES?!”, he exclaims. “What room are they for?”

She says, “I only need one, and it’s not for a room. It’s for my computer monitor.”

The surprised salesman exclaims, “Miss, computers do not have curtains.”

The blonde says “HELLOOooooooo… I’ve got Windows.” :DCrispee, ang ganda ng joke mo… :thumb:

lovered

09-14-2005, 01:06 AM

anng cute naman ng mga jokes:biglaugh: crispee hindi na nga ako minor:(

betong

09-14-2005, 10:25 AM

Laos na ba si Jaworsky???:eek :

Atsaka, kawawa naman yung baka mo Stanfordmed, ano ba yung sasakyan na yun one cow power…

janieserq

09-14-2005, 11:43 AM

http://jokaroo.com/funnyvideos/xboxflyingbaby.html

crispee

09-14-2005, 07:32 PM

If symptoms persists do not call your doctor.

crispee

09-14-2005, 07:44 PM

Loveliness through the years:
1950’s – Iniirog kita.
1960’s – Iniibig kita.
1970’s – Minamahal kita.
1980’s – I love you.
1990’s – Tara sa kwarto.
2000’s - Pwede na rito!

Anak: Inay, totoo ba na ‘first love never dies?’
Inay: Aba oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hanggang ngayon hindi ko mapatay patay.

stanfordmed

09-14-2005, 08:07 PM

Laos na ba si Jaworsky???:eek :

Atsaka, kawawa naman yung baka mo Stanfordmed, ano ba yung sasakyan na yun one cow power…

Hindi horse power - it’s cow power. Poor cow :weep: so skinny and hauling all that load!
This is not funny at all. :mad: It’s animal cruelty! :furious:

http://my.pinoyjokes.net/uploadedpics/911100pinoy_suv.jpg

crister

09-14-2005, 09:44 PM

Anak : Tatay ano pinagkaiba ng Dinner at Supper?
Tatay: Pag kumain tayo sa labas anak ang tawag doon ay Dinner, pero pag dito tayo sa bahay at kumain ng luto ng nanay mo eh “Suffer” yon.

Mrs : Lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na pick-up girl.
Pagkakita kay Mister : Hi pogi! available ako.
Mr : Ayoko sa iyo, kamukha ka ng Mrs ko.

;);)

wag po sana magagalit ang mga members na mrs na rin…joke lang po naman yan.

ang totoo eh labs na labs ko ang mrs ko.

eto nga sa tabi ko ngayon at panay ang yapos at lambing sa akin habang nagpopost ako ng message eh…

RISINGSUN

09-16-2005, 12:36 PM

hi crispee…:toofunny:: yippee::tiphat:

eps

09-16-2005, 01:52 PM

Jokes on love and marriage…

A: “HOW did you stop your husband staying late at the club?”

B: " When he came in late I called out, ‘Is that you, Jack ?’ and my husband’s name
is Robert."

Young man: “I’LL be frank with you,” said the young man when the embrace was
over. "You are not the first girl I ever kissed. "

Young woman: “And I’ll be frank with you,” she answered. “You have a lot to
learn.” :whistle:

crispee

09-21-2005, 07:13 PM

Hello RisingSun:)

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
Marriage : It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.
Divorce : Future tense of marriage
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”.
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the
biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power .
Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway “See I am not injured yet.”
Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest… except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails…

pcbuildersam

09-22-2005, 09:30 AM

lungkot talaga dito sa japan:( sana share naman kayo ng jokes nyo filipino jokes man or galing sa “laugter is…”

Spelling mo pa lang natatawa na kami eh. 'ala pang jokes yan…hehehehehehe!! !No pun intended…

kalypso

09-22-2005, 09:53 AM

Got this in my inbox today. Just wanted to pass along.

A Newlywed Love Story

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going, coochy cooh?”

“I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.”

The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, lolly pop… but at the bar… you know…they have frozen glasses…”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holdin it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise.”

“Okay? You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?”

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket,mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

“But my sweet honey… at the bar… you know…there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, cutie pie? LISTEN UP, D…KHEAD! DRINK YOUR MOTHERF…ING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF…ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, AND YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A…HOLE?”

And they lived happily ever after…

Maruchan

09-22-2005, 10:32 AM

“You want dirty words, cutie pie? LISTEN UP, D…KHEAD! DRINK YOUR MOTHERF…ING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF…ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, AND YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A…HOLE?”

And they lived happily ever after…

Hahaha! :biglaugh:This is so funny!

Okay, stick a fork in me, I’m done for today. I’ve got to catch some z’s now.

(-_-) zzz zzz zzz

kalypso

09-22-2005, 10:40 AM

Hahaha! :biglaugh:This is so funny!

Okay, stick a fork in me, I’m done for today. I’ve got to catch some z’s now.

(-_-) zzz zzz zzz
oyasuminasai, Maruchan.:sleep: sweet dreams…sleep tight. don’t let bed bugs bite.

crispee

09-22-2005, 07:08 PM

Hahaha! :biglaugh:This is so funny!

Okay, stick a fork in me, I’m done for today. I’ve got to catch some z’s now.

(-_-) zzz zzz zzz

Maruchan hellooo? 10:32 AM pero matutulog ka pa lang? this is a joke joke joke:D. B-b-q stick ang itutusok ko sa iyo:lol:

Maruchan

09-22-2005, 09:54 PM

oyasuminasai, Maruchan.:sleep: sweet dreams…sleep tight. don’t let bed bugs bite.
Thanks, Kalypso! At least I was able to sleep for 3 hours.

B-b-q stick ang itutusok ko sa iyo:lol:
Okay, now that’s hilarious! BBQ stick…:biglaugh:

crispee

09-23-2005, 01:29 PM

A tour bus driver was driving a bus full of seniors down a highway. He was tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offered him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munched up. After 15 minutes, she tapped him on his shoulder again and handed him another handful of peanuts. She repeated this gesture about eight times. The ninth time, he asked the little old lady why they did not eat the peanuts themselves. She replied that it was not possible because of their old teeth, and they are not able to chew them. Why do you buy them then?" he asked puzzled. The old lady answered, we just love the chocolate around them." …

:hihi: :roll: :bonk:

An Ilocano balikbayan comes home for the first time to the barrio, where he becomes fast friends with his cousin. So much, in fact, that they even become drinking buddies. One time, being sent to town to buy a de lata by their lola, the two decided to drink and have fun in town before returning, getting pretty much smashed. On their way home, a dialogue ensued when the two were walking through the taltalon:

Balikbayan: Ah, I’ve rarely been out in nature and see this much. LOOK AT THE MOON!

The cousin, being drunk, and not being to proficient in english to begin with, took it as “LUKATAMON!”

Balikbayan: HEY! WHAT’RE YOU DOING? I ONLY SAID SEE THE MOON!

Which the cousin took as “SIDAEMON!”, and promptly ate the de lata.

Word Meanings:
Taltalon > ricefields
Lukatamon > Open it up
Sidaemon > Eat now (help yourself)

shadowman

09-23-2005, 06:05 PM

Ibang posisyon
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: That’s a good idea dear. Doon ka sa may
plantsahan at ako naman ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng
TV.

Pinoy ingenuity?
A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device
that enlarges a man’s sex organ by up to 5 times with
no side effects. It’s called a magnifiying glass.

Vibrating cellphone
Mrs: Bilis! Nahulog cellphone ko sa loob ng panty ko,
“nagbavibrate.”
Mr: E anong gagawin ko? Kukunin ko sa panty mo?
Mrs: Gago! Kunin mo yung charger baka ma-low batt!

Regalo
Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni PARE ang birthday gift mo ah?
Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na di pa rin ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.

Kriminal
KRIMINAL1: “Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?”
KRIMINAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, isang oras na tayo dito
wala pa rin siya! Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya…

Si Gino
LOLO: Gino paabot nga ng kape ko.
APO: Lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Gino paabot nga ng kutchara.
APO: Lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Punyeta ka Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang kabaklaan mo!

Tutpik
Customer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga
lang ang dali pang mabali.
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo sir, ang dami ng gumamit nyan,pero kayo lang
nakabali!

Confident Vs. Confidential
Anak: Itay, ano kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bestpren mong si Tikboy,
anak ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

Panchito, Babalu, Dolphy
Panchito: Vitamins ko ABC ? Alak, Babae at Cigarette.
Babalu: Ako naman DEF ? Damo, Egg at Frutas.
Dolphy: Ako, from A to Z. Alma to Zsa Zsa.

First love never dies
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na “First love never dies?”
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang Tatay mo, hanggang
ngayon buhay pa ang animal!

Suko sa mister
Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago
niroromansa…
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang
niroromansa.

Pagod daw…
Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Cge ka, pag ayaw mo maghahanap ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Cge, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!

Pari’t Madre
Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kunin ko lang toothbrush ko.
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na ako panty!

Estudyante
Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1, 500 Studiante!
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero mas magaling
pa sa studiante.
Bugaw: Meron din, sir. Ang PRINCIPAL ok yun!

After the wedding
Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si mama!

Promotion
Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap dito sa korte
ko, ha?
Swindler: Your honor, hindi ko kasalanan kung hindi po
kayo ma-promote.

Ampon
Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako sa labas!
Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa
kanila, ampon ka!

Ang sulat
Patient: dok. malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan
ang sarili ko…
Doc: e ano naman laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: di ko pa po alam kasi next week ko pa ata
matatanggap…

Immigration
Arab interview at US immigration:
Q: Your name please…
A: Abdul Aziz
Q: Sex?
A: Twice a week.
Q: I mean male or female?
A: Does not matter…sometimes even with camel.

Ngongo
dumating si ngongo sa bahay at tinakpan ang eyes ni misis…
Ngongo: “nges hu?”…
MRS: gago!!! pa-nges hu nges hu ka pa diyan…e ikaw lang ngongo dito!

Madre
dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons…
Madre1: diyos ko! patawarin mo po sila…di nila alam ang kanilang
ginagawa.
Madre2: ay yung sakin marunong!!!

Rape Suspek
ATTY: Inday! pwede mo bng i-describe dito sa korte ang
taong nang-rape sayo?
INDAY: maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong at bungal…
SUSPEK: sige!..mang-asar ka pa!!!

Lost a Bird
a priest lost a bird & asked during mass…
Priest: anyone got a bird?
all men stood up.
Priest: i mean, anyone seen a bird?
all women stood up.
Priest: i meant anyone seen my bird?
…all nuns stood up

Dalawang sira ulo…
CRA1: Magaling ka na ba?
CRA2: Oo naman!!!
CRA1: Talaga?..kaya mo bang tumawid sa ilaw ng
flashlight ko?
CRA2: Ano ko sira? e paano kung patayin mo flashlight
mo?..e di nalaglag pa ko!!!

TEACHER and BOY
TEACHER: Anong mangyayari pag puputulin ang isa mong tenga?
BOY: hihina po pandinig ko.
TEACHER: e kung dalawang tenga?
BOY: lalabo po paningin ko!
TEACHER: baket naman?
BOY: malalaglag po salamin ko.

hotcake

09-23-2005, 06:26 PM

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
“Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the
restroom but I don’t know what got into me, so I
answered, somewhat embarrassed,
“Doin’ just fine!”

And the other person says:
“So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m
thinking this is too bizarre so I said:
“Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!”

At that point I was just trying to get out as fast
as I could when I heared another question.
“Can I come over?”

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I
figured I could just be polite and end the
conversation. I said:
“No…I’m a little busy right now!!!”

Then I hear the person say nervously…

"Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an
idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my
questions.

hotcake

09-24-2005, 10:09 PM

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
funeral.A huge heart covered
in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service. Following the eulogy,
the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The
heart then closed,
sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into
laughter.When all eyes stared
at him, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of
my own funeral; I’m a
gynecologist.”

And that’s when the proctologist fainted.

crispee

09-28-2005, 10:38 PM

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

He called everyone “brother”
He liked Gospel
He couldn’t get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

He went into His Father’s business.
He lived at home until he was 33.
He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

He talked with his hands.
He had wine with every meal.
He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:

He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot all the time.
He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

He never got married.
He was always telling stories.
He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all—
3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.
He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

crispee

10-01-2005, 11:58 PM

Some JavaScript humor:)

http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html

honey

10-03-2005, 09:49 PM

:biglaugh: :eek: :biglaugh:…

crispee

10-04-2005, 07:13 PM

Do not try alone:D.

Click the items found using your mouse. Needs headphones or speaker on for a more realistic effect…

http://members.thai.net/sinthai/room.htm (http://members.thai.net/sinthai/room.htm)

yosakoi-soran

10-04-2005, 10:44 PM

Do not try alone:D.

Click the items found using your mouse. Needs headphones or speaker on for a more realistic effect…

http://members.thai.net/sinthai/room.htm (http://members.thai.net/sinthai/room.htm)

SUGOI…crispee… …KOWAIIIIIIIIIIII:e ek: :eek:
Obake Yashiki da ne… demo…omoshirokat ta

stanfordmed

10-05-2005, 09:26 PM

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous On
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous,
I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door:

Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t
say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this
and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say " Eat me" .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter’s
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

crispee

10-05-2005, 09:43 PM

Nice one Stan…
:dogpile: :lol: :dogpile:

stanfordmed

10-05-2005, 10:42 PM

Nice one Stan…
:lol:

Actually my Friar cousin (Fraternité Monastique de Jérusalem (http://jerusalem.cef.fr/NOUVEAU/Accueil_FR.php)) sent it via email.

docomo

10-06-2005, 01:58 AM

STRESS RELIEVERS

Stress Reliever # 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
“What other problem can there be greater than this one?”

Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.

Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.

Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: “What’s your excuse for coming home at
this time of the night?”
Husband to wife: “Golfing with friends, my dear.”
Wife to husband: “What? At 2 am?!”
Husband to wife: “Yes, We used night clubs.”

Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married m an asked his wife, “Would you have
married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you
NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE”

Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after exam: “let me see your report card.”
Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”

Stress Reliever # 7
“How was your blind date?” a college student asked
her roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered.
“He showed ! up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”
Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What 's so bad about that?"
“He was the original owner.”

Stress Reliever # 8
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”…
“My father grows beans,” said one student.
“My father cooks beans,” said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”

Stress Reliever # 9
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your
success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were
you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”

rodem

10-06-2005, 10:16 AM

eto naman… funny and at the same time a tip for filipinas…

honey

10-06-2005, 11:14 AM

wife en husband

wife: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
husband: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko.Sabi nya “GO TO HELL”.Kaya ito uwi agad ako.

LOLA en LOLO

1st nght lola wear see thru dress, lolo didn’t react…
2nd night lola wear t-back, lolo still deadma…
3rd night lola all naked, lolo said “ano yan suoy mo, gusot-gusot!”.

hearing aid

Pedro: galing ako sa doctor, nakabili ako ng hearing aid.Grabe ang linaw ng pandinig ko!.
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang.

Dax

10-06-2005, 12:13 PM

Just got these in the mail…

PAMBOBOSO:

Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!

Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano’ng ginawa mo?

Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di nya makita!

ANG SULAT:

Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang

sarili ko…

Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?

Patient: Di ko pa po alam kasi next wik ko pa ata matatangap…

LIIT NAMAN:

Wife: Honey… bili mo naman ako ng bra…

Husband: Hon… wag ka nang magbra…liit naman dede mo e…

Wife: E ba’t ikaw, naka-brief!?

HIDE AND SEEK:

GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag akong makipag-sex sa
'yo…

BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?

GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano…

honey

10-06-2005, 01:57 PM

:dogpile: :biglaugh: nice one!

fremsite

10-07-2005, 12:43 PM

Following is a telephone conversation between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia. The call was recorded and later published in the Far East Economic Review. This will crack you up! You need to read this aloud (for full effect). Just say any unfamiliar words phonetically. It’s amazing, but you will understand what “Tenjuberrymud” means by the end of the conversation. This was nominated for best e-mail of 1999. Here goes… * * *ROOM SERVICE (RS): Morny, ruin sorbees.
Guest (G): Sorry, I thought I dialed Room Service.
RS: Rye…Ruinsorbees …morny! Dyuwish to odor sunteen?
G: Un… Yes…I’d like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow july den?..pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Ow july dee baychem… crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Okay. An san toes?
G: I don’t think so.
RS; No? Judo one toes?
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what “judo one toes” means.
RS: Toes! Toes!..Why djuw don juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?
G: English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying “Toast!” Fine. Yes an English muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
G: No…just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter…just put it on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy…team…mill?
G: Yes, coffee please and that’s all.
RS: One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease bychem, tossy inglish mopping we bother honey sign, and copy…rye?
G: Whatever you say.
RS: Tenjuberrymud.
G: You’re welcome. ok ba mga kabayans ?

docomo

10-07-2005, 06:54 PM

…I wonder kung may free meal yung offer nila

crispee

10-09-2005, 07:38 PM

If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes slowly as if you were Chinese.

piNkAhOLiC

10-13-2005, 12:46 PM

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how to say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…

What were you thinking?
Hellooooo!!! Her husband speaks English!!!

gabby

10-13-2005, 12:51 PM

lungkot talaga dito sa japan:( sana share naman kayo ng jokes nyo filipino jokes man or galing sa “laugter is…”

I love to laugh when someone share a funny story but it’s too bad I can’t share a joke. I don’t have one and don’t know how to say it.

Maruchan

10-13-2005, 03:26 PM

If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes slowly as if you were Chinese.

LOL, Crsipee! :toofunny: Totoo yata iyan, eh. Kaya pala luminaw na ang mga mata ng asawa ko. Ahihihi! :hihi:

RISINGSUN

10-13-2005, 04:58 PM

The patient says “Doctor, Doctor I’ve only got 59 seconds to live”. Then a nurse walks in and says “Doctor may I see you?” Then the doctor says to the patient “hold on a minute”…

RISINGSUN

10-13-2005, 05:06 PM

(http://hotbar.com/scripts/utils/banner.asp?requestor =friend1&NextUrl=http://hotbar.com/site/Hotbar/EmailGoodies/DailyFun.htm) (http://hotbar.com/scripts/utils/banner.asp?requestor =friend1&NextUrl=http://hotbar.com/site/Hotbar/EmailGoodies/DailyFun.htm)A mother-in-law wanted to check with her son-in-laws about their love for her. She took one son-in-law to a lake and accidentally fell in the water. The son in law save her from drowning. Next day the son in law found a Honda with a card attached to it from the mother in law. Afte a week she did the same with the second son in law with the same result, and he too got a Honda. Next week she repeated the scene with the third son in law but he did not save her and she drowned. The following day the third son in law saw a Mercedez car near his house given to him by his father in law. Source: the Daily Fun

(http://hotbar.com/scripts/utils/banner.asp?requestor =friend1&NextUrl=http://hotbar.com/site/Hotbar/EmailGoodies/DailyFun.htm)

RISINGSUN

10-14-2005, 02:11 PM

Subject:COURT ON TRIAL

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t
prepared for the answer:
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”?She
responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.?I’ve know you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment
to me.?You lie, you cheat on your wife, youmanipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you
haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher.?Yes, I know you.
The Lawyer was stunned.?Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, “Why yes, I do.?I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigotted, and he has a drinking
problem.?He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife.?Yes, I
know him.”
The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt.

otoyy008

10-14-2005, 02:26 PM

hehehe… nag enjoy lang ako sa kakabasa ng mga jokes na naipost. nakakatawa rin kayo!!:biglaugh: :biglaugh:

hotcake

10-14-2005, 05:13 PM

If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes slowly as if you were Chinese.

Hahahaha, nabasa ko din siya…

Pinay

10-15-2005, 12:47 PM

Learned From Mother

Mothers, aside from bringing us to this world, play a great rule in giving the first lessons of life to us. We learn many valuable things from them, or we don’t? Here is the Top 20 things we have learnt from our moms.

My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
My mother taught me about RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me about LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
My mother taught me about FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me about IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it.”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
My mother taught me about ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’ll be cold?”
My mother taught me about HUMOR.
“When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
My mother taught me about GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
My mother taught me about WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

crispee

10-15-2005, 07:23 PM

It’s your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience,
but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses;
but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him

he’s done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you
and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper,
you feel the tissue give way;
pain surges throughout your body
and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears
but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill
but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments,
you feel something bursting within you
and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting,
glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly,
tells you, with a chuckle;
that you have been his most stubborn
yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

http://www.funnies.com/tooth_with_toothbrus h_sm_nwm.gif
What were you thinking? You dirty minded thing

kalypso

10-15-2005, 10:12 PM

the sharp sign

crispee

10-28-2005, 12:37 PM

Just got up from an overnight shift, lots of threads to check out:crash: ----- TGIF:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :tfrocks:

@kalypso
…mahaba na balbas ko 'day, pwede ko sigurong pang-ahit ang sign mo;)

crispee

10-28-2005, 12:46 PM

Ilokano : Magkano ang tinda mong mangga?
Tindera : Sampung piso ang isa!
Ilokano : Ang mahal naman! Kappuros ba yan?
Tindera : Oo! May tutot pa!
Ilokano : Teka, Ilokano ka ba?
Tindera : Bakit? Madlaw ba?

Salin:
kappuros > bagong pitas
tutot > dagta
madlaw > halata

Little Johnny

10-28-2005, 02:02 PM

Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: “Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch…'”
“Johnny !” shouted his mother. “Watch your language! You’re not allowed to use the swearwords.”
“But, Mom,” replied the boy, “that’s what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it.”
Next day Johnny’s mother went right into the classroom to complain. “Oh, heavens !” said the teacher. "That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say, ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.’ "

Little Johnny

10-28-2005, 02:04 PM

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…”
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

Little Johnny

10-28-2005, 02:13 PM

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.
After Little Johnny’s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went.
She said, “I think I broke his gambling”.
The father asked how and she said, “He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.”
“DAMN!” said the father.
“What’s wrong?”, the teacher asked.
Little Johnny’s father said, “This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher’s butt before the day was over!”

DJchot

10-28-2005, 03:34 PM

ayan na po si little jhonny hehe

sige pa…

kahit 1 joke/day, ok na yan.

docomo

10-28-2005, 05:32 PM

paktay! nagumpisa na po si little johnny …

kalypso

10-28-2005, 10:09 PM

Just got up from an overnight shift, lots of threads to check out:crash: ----- TGIF:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :tfrocks:

@kalypso
…mahaba na balbas ko 'day, pwede ko sigurong pang-ahit ang sign mo;)

Manong,

You can do whatever you want with my sharp sign. Ingat lang baka ma-tetanus ka.

Hey, ba’t hindi mo pahabain ang balbas mo? Mag-papasko na kasi at balita ko ikaw daw ang gagawing Santa Claus ng TF.

ugnayan

10-29-2005, 02:11 AM

AGE IS A FUNNY THING

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to
get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old,
you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

“How old are you?”
“I’m 4 and half.”

You’re never 36 and a half, but you are 4 and a half going on 5!
That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you
back. You jump to the next number.

“How old are you?”
“I’m gonna be 16.”

You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21.
Even the words sounds like a ceremony–you BECOME 21. YES!!!
But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you
sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There’s
no fun now. What’s wrong?? What changed???

You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
then you’re PUSHING 40…stay over there, it’s all slipping
away…

You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
you’re PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50…my dreams are gone…

You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
you’re PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50
and then you MAKE IT to 60…Whew! I didn’t think I’d make it.

You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
you’re PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50,
you MAKE IT to 60,
and by then you’ve built up so much speed, you HIT 70!

After that, it’s a day-by-day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get
into your 80s, you HIT lunch.

I mean my grandmother won’t even buy green bananas: “Well it’s
an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.”

And it doesn’t end there…into the 90’s, you start going
backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you
make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I’m 100 and a
half!!

Age is a funny thing.

today’sTHOT========= ===================

You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

==================== ===================

PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if
you’re REAL nice, you’ll tell them where you got it!
www.mikeysFunnies.co m

crispee

10-29-2005, 08:35 AM

Nag-aagaw na ang liwanag at dilim pero nasa labas pa rin at abala sa ‘bird hunting’ ang apo ni Lolo Dalmatian.

Lolo: Totoy! Tama na yang tirador at baka makatama ka ng mga ‘di nakikita’:mad:
Totoy: Hmmp! Hindi ko nga matamaan yung nakikita ko, yung pa kayang di ko nakikita:rolleyes:

crispee

10-29-2005, 10:03 AM

Manong,

You can do whatever you want with my sharp sign. Ingat lang baka ma-tetanus ka.

Hey, ba’t hindi mo pahabain ang balbas mo? Mag-papasko na kasi at balita ko ikaw daw ang gagawing Santa Claus ng TF.

Ok, i will accept the offer kung papayag ang TF community na payat at maitim ang santa:eeek:

Sino ang santang:
-banlad ang mata
-mahaba balbas sa ilong
-matalim kung tumingin (kaya laging may glasses)
-baduy kung manamit
-payat
-maitom
-malaki tyan

crispee

10-30-2005, 02:57 PM

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?
“This is Heaven, sir,” the man answered.
“Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked.
“Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some iced water brought right up.” The man gestured, and the gate began to open. “Can my friend,” gesturing toward his dog, “come in too?” the traveler asked.
I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.”
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill,he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
“Excuse me!” he called to the reader. “Do you have any water?”
“Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there”.
The man pointed to a place that couldn’t be seen from outside the gate. “Come on in.” “How about my friend here?” the traveler gestured to the dog. “There should be a bowl by the pump.”
They went through the gate and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
“What do you call this place?” the traveler asked.
“This is Heaven,” was the answer.
“Well, that’s confusing,” the traveler said. “The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.”
“Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s Hell.”
“Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use heaven’s name like that?”
“No. I can see how you might think so, but we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who’ll leave their best friends behind.”
Soooo… Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain: When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward jokes.
And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke. So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile…

-author unknown

ugnayan

10-30-2005, 04:14 PM

Sunday Service

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Eulogy

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children,

“Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your pa in there.”

ugnayan

11-06-2005, 01:25 AM

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, “Don’t worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic.”

==================== ==================== ===============

Blind Date

Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before. “What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Mike, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

“Don’t worry,” Joe says, “just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see then everything goes as planned. If you don’t just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack.”

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl’s door and when she comes out he is awestruck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts…
“Aaaaaauuuggghhh!”

==================== ==================== ==================

Tony lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Tony decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just six feet from the dock.

Tony, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the
deck of the boat.

“How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud Tony to a deck hand.

“It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”

==================== ==================== ===============
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what would you like for your anniversary?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
“Sorry, I wasn’t planning to spend that much,” says John.

Raiden

11-11-2005, 09:45 AM

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What
are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands of your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie”

“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Bush’s clock?” asked the man.

“Bush’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

ugnayan

11-11-2005, 02:37 PM

PINOY LESSONS IN LINGUISTICS

Noong 1940’s, kapag may bra ang babae, pinagbubulungan na at mababansagang malandi. Noon din ay may French perfume na ang tatak ay Eclat (silent T). Kaya ang taong maarte ay tinawag ng mga Pinoy na Eclat (pronounce the T). Ngayon kapag maraming tsetseburetse at kaartehan ganon din ang tawag, “Ang dami mo namang eklat.” Kinalaunan, pinaikli pa ang eklat at naging ek-ek- “Ang tagal mo namang magdesisyon kung sasama ka o hindi! Ang dami mong ek-ek!”
Noong elementary ako, uso pa ang Wakasan, sinusubaybayan ko ang nobelang Tubig at Langis; ang Movie Especial na komiks kung saan kapanapanabik ang bawat eksena sa buhay ni Zuma na siya namang ama ni Galema. Sa komiks ang tawag sa babaeng nagbebenta ng panandaliang aliw ay baylerina. Kinalaunan, naging belyas, tapos naging English, hospitality girls tapos ngayon GRO.
Elementary ako nang makagisnan ko ang batiang “Give Me Five”. Masyado yatang pormal ang handshake kaya “Give me Five, Man” ang pumalit. Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang kapag natutunan ng kanilang anak na paslit ang mag-give me five. Tapos sa mga American games, naging High Five o “Give me five, up here!” Hindi pahuhuli ang Pinoy basta galing sa America. Ang “Give me five, up here” ay naging “Appear”. Halos lahat yata ng Pinoy babies ganito ang series of training, “Anak, where is the light; where is the moon?” Ang nadagdag, “Appear! Appear!” At dahil sa E.T. ni Speilberg, “Align, Align!” Again, Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang.
Nang mag- Community Medicine ako noon sa isang slum area ng Sta. Ana, Manila. Ito ang top 3 gamit na hindi mawawala sa mga bahay, gaano mang kaliit ang barung-barong:
Panyong may tatak na panalangin ng El Shaddai
Television
Karaoke.

Kakambal na ng Pinoy ang pagkanta. Noon, kapag nagkakantahan, gamit ay gitara at song hits (Jingle). Napalitan ito nang 70’s-80’s ng minus one. Tapos, karaoke. Ngayon, videoke, at sa huling talaan ng pagkakaalam ko, 8 na ang namamatay sa “My Way”.

Naalala ko noong elementary pa ko, nagtayo ang kuya ko at ng kanyang mga kaibigan ng isang Combo. Ngayon, ang tawag sa singing group ay-- Band, hindi na Combo at ang Combo ngayon ay tumutukoy sa Jollibee o McDonald’s promo.

Sa PGH, may tinatawag na Central Block. Nandoon ang Radiology Department kung saan ginagawa ang mga X-rays, Ultrasound, CT Scan at Radiotherapy. Dito ko naobserbahan ang evolution ng mga Pinoy medical terms. May mga pasyente o bantay na aking nasasalubong, ang madalas magtanong ng direksyon.

Mga Versions ng CT Scan: (Ganon na rin yon, no!)

“Dok saan po ba ang Siete Scan?”
“Doc saan po ba magpapa-CT Skull”
“Doc saan po ba CT Scalp”
“Doc saan po ang CT Scam?”

Madalas akong mapagtanungan ng direction papunta sa Cobalt Room. “Doc saan po ba ang Cobal” Yes, laging walang T, marami na ang ginagamit na term ay Cobal. Saan napunta ang “T”. Marami din kasing nagtatanong, “Doc, saan po ba ang papuntang X-Tray?” Conclusion: Ang “T” ng Cobalt, ay napunta sa X-Tray.

7:00 am. Nagbigay ang kasamahan kong doktor ng instruction sa bantay ng pasyente, “Mister, punta po kayo sa Central Block at magpa-schedule kayo ng X-ray ng pasyente ninyo.”

3:00 pm. Kadarating lang ng bantay. Nagalit na ang doktor, “Mister, bakit namang napakatagal ninyong bumalik? Pina-schedule ko lang naman ang X-ray ah.”
Sumagot ang bantay, “Eh kasi po Doc, ang tagal kong naghintay sa gate, haggang sabihin ng guwardiya na sarado daw po ang Central Bank kasi Sabado ngayon.” (Nasa Roxas Blvd ang Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas, at sarado nga naman yon kapag Sabado, hihihihihi)

Nang mag-rotate ako as intern sa Pediatrics ng PGH, mahal na mahal talaga ng mga nanay ang kanilang mga anak na may sakit. Pilit nilang tinatandaan ang mga gamot at tawag sa sakit ng kanilang anak.

Doktor: “Mrs. ano po ang mga gamot na iniinom ng anak niyo?”
Mrs 1: “Doc phenobarbiedoll po.”
Doktor: “Ah baka po phenobarbital.” (Gamot sa convulsion ang phenobarbital)

Doktor: “Mrs. ano po ba ang antibiotic na iniinom ng anak ninyo?”
Mrs 2: “Doc metromanilazole po.”
Doktor: “Ah baka po metronidazole.” (Gamot sa amoeba ang metronidazole)

Ang tawag sa recovery room ng PGH ay PACU (Post- Anesthesia Care Unit)
Doktor: "Mrs., tapos na po ang operasyong ng anak ninyo, punta na po kayo sa PACU.
Mrs 3: "Eh Doc, saan po sa Paco? Sa may simbahan po ba o sa may palengke?

Doktor: “Mrs. ano po ba ang sinabi ng dating doktor kung ano daw ang sakit ng inyong anak?”
Mrs 4: "Eh Doc sabi po niya Tragedy of Fallot.
Doktor: "Ah baka po Tetralogy of Fallot (Isang congenital Heart Disease ang Tetralogy of Fallot)

Biglang nagtatarang ang isang nanay at sumigaw.
Mrs. 5: “Scissors! Scissors! Nag-sciscissors ang anak ko, Doc!”
Doktor: "Nurse, diazepam please, nag-seizure ang pasyente!

Doktor: “Mrs. ano daw po ba ang sakit ng anak ninyo?”
Mrs. 6: May ketong daw po.
In-examine ng doktor ang balat ng pasyente. Wala siyang makitang senyales ng ketong. Tumawag pa siya ng isang dermatologist para mag-examine nang husto. Wala talaga.
Doktor: “Mrs. sigurado po ba kayong ketong ang sakit ng bata?”
Mrs 6: “Eh iyon po ang sabi ng doktor niya dati. Mataas daw po ang ketong sa ihi dahil may diabetes.”
Doktor: "Ah ketone po yon! (Ang positive ketone sa ihi ay senyales ng kumplikasyon ng diabetes.)

Doktor: (Sa buntis na mrs. na nagle-labor) “Mrs. pumutok na po ba ang panubigan mo?”
Mrs 7: “Eh Doc, wala naman po akong narinig na pagsabog.” (Hanep!)

crispee

11-11-2005, 08:39 PM

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today, because they got on my nerves.

And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,
as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always work at 100%
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday

And help me to remember…
When I’m having a bad day and it seems
that people are trying to wind me up,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown,
28 muscles to smile,
and only 4 to extend my arm and smack you in the mouth.

Thank God It’s Friday:D

ugnayan

11-12-2005, 12:31 PM

(dedicated kay Halloween, kapwa-Iskolar ng bayan sa Padre Faura na bagong chatmate sa Timog

BATTLE OF THE BRAIN…LESS

Emcee (MC) : Ano ang national animal ng Pilipinas?
It begins with the letter K. (Kalabaw)
Brainless (BL): Kuto!
MC : Mali! Sa lupa ito gumagalaw, hindi sa ulo.
BL : Kutong-lupa?

MC : Ano ang national animal ng Australia? It begins with the letter K. (Kangaroo)
BL : Kalabaw!
MC : Mali! It ends with the letter O.
BL : Kabayo!
MC : Mali pa rin! Tumatalon-talon ito.
BL : Kuneho!
MC : Mali pa rin! It ends with double-O.
BL : KunehO-O?

MC : Ano ang tawag sa tagasagip sa nalulunod (Lifeguard)
BL : Safeguard!
MC : Mali! It begins with the letter L.
BL : Lifebuoy?
MC : Mali! Matipuno ang katawan nito.
BL : Mr. Clean!

MC : Ano ang national bird ng Pilipinas? It begins with the letter M. (Maya)
BL : Manok!
MC : Mali! Kulay brown ito.
BL : Pritong Manok?
MC : Mali! Maliit na maliit ito.
BL : Maggi Chicken Cube!

MC : Ano ang national flower ng Pilipinas? It begins with the letter S. (Sampaguita)
BL : Sitsaron!
MC : Mali! Flower sabi, hindi pagkain.
BL : Sitsarong bulaklak?
MC : Mali! It ends with the letter “A”.
BL : Sitsarong bulaklak with suka!
MC : Mali pa rin! Kapangalan ito ng isang singer.
BL : Sharon Cuneta.

MC : Sino ang pumatay kay Magellan? Initials niya ay
LL. (LapuLapu)
BL : Lito Lapid!
MC : Mali! Inuulit ang pangalan.
BL : Lito Lito!
MC : Mali pa rin! First name lang.
BL : LotLot!
MC : Hindi! Mas mahaba iyon.
BL : LotLot … and Friends?

MC : Si Inday Badiday ay tinaguriang Reyna ng blank.
Anong blank ito and it starts with the letter I? (Intrigues)
BL : I to I!
MC : Mali. Ito ay source ng mga away.
BL : Isnaban!
MC : Hindi. Ginagamit ito ng ibang mga artista at producers para kumita ng kanilang pelikula.
BL : Interview!
MC : Hindi! Ito ay nakakainis!
BL : Insekto!

MC : Sino ang unang Chess Grandmaster of Asia na
kapangalan ang isang chess piece? (Eugene TORRE)
BL : Carole KING!
MC : Mali! Mas mababa sa King.
BL : Al QUINN?
MC : Mali. Tagalog/Spanish ang apelyido niya.
BL : Armida Siguion-REYNA?
MC : Try again. Mas mababa sa reyna.
BL : BISHOP Bacani!
MC : Mali. Mas mababa pa sa bishop.
BL : Johnny MidNIGHT!
MC : Hay, naku, mas mababa pa sa knight.
BL : Jerry Pons!
MC : Bueno, nabanggit mo na halos lahat ng chess
figures. Isa na lang ang hindi pa at iyon na iyon!
BL : Ah, si Sylvia La Torre!

MC : Ano’ng flotation device ang ginagamit sa dagat
upang hindi ka malunod na nagsisimula sa letter S? (Salbabida)
BL : Sirena?
MC : Mali! Hindi ito babae!
BL : Siyokoy?
MC : Mali pa rin! Hindi ito lalaki!
BL : Siyoke!

MC : Saan binaril si Jose Rizal? Nagsisismula sa letter B. (Bagumbayan)
BL : Sa back!
MC : O, sige. Pwede na rin na sa L nagsisimula ang sagot. (Luneta)
BL : Likod?
MC : Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, RP ang initials ng modern name ngayon. (Rizal Park)
BL : Sa rear part!

DJchot

11-12-2005, 02:09 PM

nice ugnayan.

narinig ko na lahat ito before pero nakakatawa pa rin hehe

fisher

11-12-2005, 03:31 PM

Ok, i will accept the offer kung papayag ang TF community na payat at maitim ang santa:eeek:

Sino ang santang:
-banlad ang mata
-mahaba balbas sa ilong
-matalim kung tumingin (kaya laging may glasses)
-baduy kung manamit
-payat
-maitom
-malaki tyan

Crispee, ako 'yun!:ohlord:

japphi

11-12-2005, 04:36 PM

May kaibigang Haponesa si Lola Basyang na ang trabaho ay “ELEVATOR GIRL” sa malaking department store.
Isang araw,may tawag si Lola sa phone…umiiyak yung kaibigan nya…namatay daw yung tatay nya at sa linggo ang libing.Sabi ni Lola…sige pupunta ako at Condolence sa buong pamilya.
Kinalingguhan…a ng daming nakiki-dalamhati sa pagkawala nung tatay…at andoon si Lola.
Nag-iisang anak yung kaibigan ni Lola at sya yung mag-i-speech sa harapan nang maraming tao para magpasalamat.

(sorry sa maling nippongo,hindi na maalala kasi ni Lola)
Speech:
Isogashi naka,Chichi no tame ni atsumatte itadaki,honto ni arigato gozaimasu:weep:
:weep: :weep: :weep: Kyou…:weep: …
Chichi wa UE NI MAIRIMASU… …:insane:

nikita

11-12-2005, 09:33 PM

Isang pilipina ang kakasal lang sa hapon,pagdating ng honeymoon hinagis agad sya ng asawang hapon sa kama.ang sabi tuloy ng pilipina “nakuh mukhang matindinang labanan to ha”.hanggang dinamba rin sya ng asawa nya sa kama.halikan,kagatan hanggang dina nakatiis ang pilipina ang sabi"ipasok mona,ipasok mona".nagulat yung hapon at ang sabi"kanina pa naka pasok ha:eek: PARENTAL GUIDANCE:D

ugnayan

11-13-2005, 06:53 PM

mas nakakatawa kung 'di po green jokes kasi may menor de edad na readers, po…the highlighted ones below made me really think & laugh

FAMOUS PUTDOWNS

A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults.

Louis Nizer

I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
-Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man & worships his creator.

John Bright

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Winston Churchill

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.

Winston Churchill

He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul.

David Lloyd George

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.

Moses Hadas

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.

Samuel Johnson

He had delusions of adequacy.

Walter Kerr

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Abraham Lincoln

You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Groucho Marx

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Groucho Marx

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Oscar Wilde

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support rather than illumination.

Andrew Lang

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is
good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.- Samuel Johnson

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

Shakespeare

ugnayan

11-16-2005, 03:06 AM

nice ugnayan.

narinig ko na lahat ito before pero nakakatawa pa rin hehe

Kahit luma pa rin ito…tatawa pa rin kayo, DJchot & Halloween

BUTI PA

Buti pa ang Paranaque… …may BF
Buti pa ang farm… …may chicks
Buti pa ang halaman… …may nag-aalaga
Buti pa ang bulaklak… …blooming
Buti pa ang candy… …sweet
Buti pa ang gulaman… …may sago
Buti pa ang manok… …nakatali
Buti pa ang mangga… …matamis ang pisngi
Buti pa ang bees… …may honey
Buti pa ang tennis… …may love
Buti pa ang stuffed toy…hina halikan
Buti pa ang papel… …sinusulatan
Buti pa ang report… …may objective
Buti pa ang Geometry… …may triangle
Buti pa ang Chemistry… …may lab
Buti pa ang mapa… …sinusundan
Buti pa ang nitso… …may bulaklak
Buti pa ang patay… …may dumadalaw
Buti pa ang prisoner… …binabantayan
Buti pa ang jaywalker… …pinipituhan
Buti pa ang alphabet… …may U and I
Buti pa ang poste… …steady
Buti pa ang radio… …pinakikinggan
Buti pa ang rosary… …may mystery
Buti pa ang Three Kings…ma y regalo
Buti pa ang misa… …serious
Buti pa ang novena… …constant
Buti pa ang pari… …committed
Buti pa ang soccer… …may goal
Buti pa ang basketball… …may ring
Buti pa ang Disneyland… …may Mickey
Buti pa si Mickey… …may Minnie
Buti pa si Michael Jackson…may moves
Buti pa si Camilla Parker Bowles…may pag-asa
Buti pa ang kalendaryo… …may date
Buti pa ang hersheys… …may kisses
Buti pa ang probability… …may chance
Buti pa ang telepono… …hini-hello
Buti pa ang film… …nade-develop
Buti pa ang typewriter… …nata-type pan
Buti pa ang exams… …sinasagot
Buti pa ang problema… …iniisip
Buti pa ang assignment… …inuuwi
Buti pa ang panyo… …nadadalantay sa pisngi
Buti pa ang baso… …dinadampian ng labi
Buti pa ang unan… …inaakap sa gabi
Buti pa ang kamalian… …napapansin
Buti pa ang salamin… …minamasdan
Buti pa ang hininga… …hinahabol
Buti pa ang tindera… …nagpapatawad
Buti pa ang awit at tugtog…pina gsasama
Buti pa ang sugat… …inaalagaan
Buti pa ang lungs… …malapit sa puso
Buti pa ang bra… …kakabit ng dibdib
Buti pa ang kotse… …mahal
Buti pa ang pera… …iniingatan
Buti pa ang mahjong… …sinasalat
Buti pa ang damo… …dinidiligan
Buti pa…
…
…
…
Buti pa…MAGTRABAHO KA NA AT BAKA MASISANTE KA PA.

Goku

11-16-2005, 02:03 PM

There is a bill filed by Sen. Lito Lapid asking that proposed laws
should be written in Filipino (Pilipino). Likewise official spoken
language
in the senate should be in Filipino.

This is somewhat similar to the last year’s proposal. So, I believe
that this would be vetoed again by the President as what had happened in
2003.

Read on to know why.

Tagalog Na Tunay

A young, good-looking representative from Laguna sponsored a bill
recommending Filipino language be used in all levels of accounting firms
and banking institutions. The solon claimed it will provide a better
understanding of the business transactions for those who are inexperienced
and non-English speaking citizens.

The bill received unanimous approval from the House and was
presented
to the President for signature to become the law of the
land. But in spite of the overwhelming pressure from the members of the
Congress, President Gloria Arroyo vetoed the bill.

Why? She found out that when the English “business” words are
translated in Tagalog, they sound very malicious and are “nakaka-hiya at
nakaka-kilabot!”

Here are a few sample words - English to Tagalog

Asset - Ari

Fixed asset - Nakatirik na ari

Liquid asset - Basang ari

Solid asset - Matigas na ari

Owned asset - Sariling pag aari

Other asset - Ari ng iba

Miscellaneous asset - Iba’t-ibang klaseng ari

Asset write off - Pinutol na pagaari

Depreciation of asset - Laspag na pagaari

Fully depreciated asset - Laspag na laspag na pagaari

Earning asset - Tumutubong pagaari

Working asset - Ganado pa ang ari

Non-earning asset - Baldado na ang ari

Movable asset - Ginagalaw na ari

Erroneous entry - Mali ang pagka pasok

Double entry - Dalawang beses ipinasok

Multiple entry - Labas pasok nang labas pasok

Correcting entry - Itinama ang pagpasok

Reversing entry - Baligtad ang pagkakapasok

Dead asset - Patay na ang ARI

ugnayan

11-16-2005, 06:32 PM

Subject: M E L A N I S M S

KATUWAAN LANG PO

-I won’t stoop down to my level.

Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you dep?
'Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha yan.
We are lovers, not fighters.
My brother is not a girl; he’s a gentleman.
That’s why I’m a success, it’s because I don’t middle in other people’s lives.
Don’t judge my brother; he’s not a book.
Kapatid ko pa rin siya. We are one and the same.
I don’t eat meat. I’m not a carnival.
Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong taon sa inyong lahat. (During her acceptance speech at a Metro Filmfest awards night where her bioflick, directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won an award.
Sumasakit ang migraine ko.
Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay!
Period na talaga; wala nang exclamation point. (When asked on S-Files if her present
husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right.).
At a talk show after her break-up with Derek Dee, Melanie was asked if she had some
words for Derek’s mother (whom she partly blamed for the separation). “Oo nga,” said
Melanie, “pero i-English-in ko para maintindihan niya.” She looked into the camera
and, with the peremptoriness of royalty, said, “And to you, Mrs. Dee, I have two words
for you. Ang labo mo!”
When asked for a message to her daughter who was allegedly abused by their
houseboy: “Don’t worry little angel, big angel is here.”
On what they should do to the houseboy who molested her kid: “He should be put behind bar.”
“You can fool me once, you can even fool me twice, you can even fool me thrice. But you can never fool me four”
While waiting backstage during a noontime show, after watching
Nikki Valdez do her dance number. “Nikki, you’re so galing. You should go to the States. You will sell hotcakes”

ugnayan

11-16-2005, 07:18 PM

For English-speaking foreigners/aliens reading TF Jokes…

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station…
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what genius came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.

luccia

11-18-2005, 10:20 PM

vrybody wants joke …den joke is cumnnn :hihi:
eto mainit init pa galing sa mga barubal kung pinsanis

Our friendship means a lot to me,
that if we were the last people on a sinking ship
and there’s only one life vest, I’ll…uhm… ah… eh.
.I’m gonna miss you for sure!

Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako!
Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako!
Kasi sabi nila cute daw ako kapag naiinis ako!
Kaya, Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako!
Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako!

What is the difference between cute and feeling cute?
Cute is the one who sent this and
feeling cute is the one reading this.
He…He…he…
Text mo sa iba para ikaw naman ang cute!

I may not be your PEPSI choice of the new generation;
I may not be your COKE, only the real thing;
or your NIDO, world’s no. 1
but I can be your REXONA I won’t let you down.

I’m thinking u.
I want to be with u.
I am longing for u.
I have a crush on u.
I want to hug and kiss u.
I love u. Ikaw,
love mo rin ba ang letter u?

luccia

11-18-2005, 10:26 PM

If they say “Good looks could kill”,
then please don’t look at me!
I don’t wanna see you die!

Anong animal ang hindi sigurado?
Eh di BAKA! Ano naman ang pinutol?
E di CAT! E ano naman and laging ayos?
E di OX! Ano ang laging nauuntog?
E di DOG! E ano naman ang pangit?
E di COW!

Between the thousand yesterdays
and a million tomorrows,
there’s only one today and
I wouldn’t let this day pass
without saying this to you - ang cute ko, grabe!

Everything about you is perfect -
your lips,
your skin,
your eyes,
your body. Perfect!
You’re lucky to be born beautiful,
not like me,
who was born to be a big liar.

You’ll never know who your friends are…
till you stumble and fall.
And till you feel his hands
on your shoulder as he says,
“Yan tatanga-tanga kasi”.

Newsflash: Policemen saving a woman
who appears to be jumping off a building.

Policeman: Bumaba ka dyan maraming nagmamahal sa yo!
Woman: Wag kayo makialam, di ako makapag -send!

A husband coming home from a confession
and lifts his wife and carries her on his shoulder.
Wife: Did the priest tell you to be so romantic like this?
Husband: No, he told me to carry my cross.

When you feel left out and all alone,
just try to close your eyes for a moment
and think of me. Afterwards, you will suddenly
smile and say, text ko nga ang cute na yon!

luccia

11-18-2005, 10:35 PM

I looked at the sky.
The sky is beautiful.
I looked at you.
I looked at the sky na lang ulit.

Money will buy a bed but not sleep,
food but not appetite,
amusement but not happiness.
You see, money is not everything.
Therefore, if you have too much,
please send it to me ASAP!

Some people choose friends
who are thoughtful and caring.
Some prefer those who are
smart and good looking.
When you chose me, pinakyaw mo na lahat.

I asked my guardian angel for
a friend whom I can love forever.
She gave me you.
And so I called on her again and asked:
“Wala na bang iba?”

People are always looking for cute ones,
the perfect ones, the gorgeous ones,
the smart ones, the sweet ones.
Lagi na lang ako! Ako! Ako!

Playboy, speaking to a girl:
“I want you to know that
I value our relationship very much.
In fact, I find you as my most favorite girlfriend.”

When I was lost, you were there.
When I was down, you were there.
When I was bankrupt, you were there.
When I almost died, you were there…
Teka, baka ikaw ang malas sa buhay ko!

ugnayan

11-19-2005, 01:29 AM

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why is it called building when it is already built?
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
If you’re not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Humans???
If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???

Get Back to WORK!!!

HA HA HA HA I GOT YA!

ugnayan

11-21-2005, 04:04 PM

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ugnayan

11-21-2005, 04:12 PM

Political Correctness For Kids

Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive.”

Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”

You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”

No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.”

You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”

You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”

It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “transmission of near-factual information.”

The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.”

Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”

You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.”

You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”

You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”

You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”

rodem

11-21-2005, 05:26 PM

Dear Son,

Medyo mabagal akong magsulat ngayon dahil alam kong mabagal ka ring magbasa. Nandito na kami sa Estados Unidos para bantayan ang bagong biling bahay ng kapatid mo. Pero hindi ko maibigay sa iyo ang address dahil dinala ng dating nakatira ang number para daw hindi na sila magpapalit ng address.

Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Manila. Dalawang beses lang umulan sa linggong ito, tatlong araw noong una at apat na araw noong pangalawa.

Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito katulad nun nabili ko na shampoo dahil ayaw bumula. Nakasulat kasi “FOR DRY HAIR” kaya hindi ko binabasa ang buhok ko pag ginagamit ko. Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa Walmart at magrereklamo ako.

Noong isang araw naman ay hindi ako makapasok sa bahay dahil ayaw bumukas ng padlock. Nakasulat kasi ay “YALE”, eh aba namalat na ako sa kasisigaw ay hindi pa din bumubukas. Magrereklamo din ako sa nagbenta ng bahay, akala nila hindi ko alam na SIGAW ang tagalog ng “YALE”, wise yata ito!

Mayroon nga pala akong nabili na magandang jacket at tiyak na magugustuhan mo. Ipinadala ko na sa iyo sa “Federal Express” medyo mahal daw dahil mabigat ang mga butones kaya ang ginawa ko ay tinanggal ko na lang ang mga butones at inilagay ko na lang sa bulsa ng jacket. Ikabit mo na lang pag dating diyan.

Nagpadala rin ako ng tseke para sa mg nasalanta ng bagyo, hindi ko na pinirmahan dahil gusto ko na maging anonymous donor.

Ang kapatid mo palang si Jhun ay may trabaho na dito, mayroon siyang 500 na tao sa ilalim niya. Nag- gugupit siya ngayon ng damo sa memorial park, okey naman ang kita above minimum ang sahod.

Nakapanganak na rin pala ang ate baby mo, hindi ko pa alam kung babae o lalake kaya hindi ko pa masasabi na kung ikaw ay bagong uncle or auntie.

Wala na akong masyadong balita. Sumulat ka na lang ng madalas.

Love,

Papa

p.s.

Maglalagay sana ako ng pera, kaya lang ay
naisara ko na ang envelope.
Next time na lang ha…

rodem

11-21-2005, 05:27 PM

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what’s this?

ugnayan

11-22-2005, 08:42 PM

what’s this?

sori, 'di gumana ang pagiging techie ko…mga funny pictures about kids…maybe I should learn how to post dito sa TF:)

I’ll try a new one…galing sa British comedian…pati Ingles nya, mapapahiya sya sa ating Pinoy:p

Jokes Of Mr. Bean


http://by103fd.bay103.hotma il.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?&msg=9E96FF96-01B7-4DAC-81AF-F9DF1E5AFC0A&start=0&len=292918&curmbox=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000001&a=63a543f04e6017a488 c94b52e4a2ef5d2badf7 64d4997824c84c377e59 006131&mimepart=23


BRAIN TUMOR:

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I’m dumb?

Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

http://by103fd.bay103.hotma il.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?&msg=9E96FF96-01B7-4DAC-81AF-F9DF1E5AFC0A&start=0&len=292918&curmbox=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000001&a=63a543f04e6017a488 c94b52e4a2ef5d2badf7 64d4997824c84c377e59 006131&mimepart=24
2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you’ve just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

http://by103fd.bay103.hotma il.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?&msg=9E96FF96-01B7-4DAC-81AF-F9DF1E5AFC0A&start=0&len=292918&curmbox=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000001&a=63a543f04e6017a488 c94b52e4a2ef5d2badf7 64d4997824c84c377e59 006131&mimepart=25

3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:

Mr. Bean: I’d like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn’t know the alphabet yet!!

http://by103fd.bay103.hotma il.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?&msg=9E96FF96-01B7-4DAC-81AF-F9DF1E5AFC0A&start=0&len=292918&curmbox=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000001&a=63a543f04e6017a488 c94b52e4a2ef5d2badf7 64d4997824c84c377e59 006131&mimepart=26
4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:

Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
http://by103fd.bay103.hotma il.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?&msg=9E96FF96-01B7-4DAC-81AF-F9DF1E5AFC0A&start=0&len=292918&curmbox=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000001&a=63a543f04e6017a488 c94b52e4a2ef5d2badf7 64d4997824c84c377e59 006131&mimepart=27
5) Marriage:

Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.

CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it’s a horror film. I didn’t see any picture.

Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

7)DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom’s dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.

(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?

Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!

MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:

Colleague: Sorry I’m late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That’s alright, me too…I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.

Spelling lesson:

Mr. Bean’s Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful…is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

ugnayan

11-22-2005, 11:06 PM

I’m terribly sorry sa post ko sa itaas…Salamat, Manong Crispee, sa paalala…sana maayos ng mga moderators kaagad. Gomen ne…

crispee

11-22-2005, 11:14 PM

Men’s Room

docomo

11-22-2005, 11:38 PM

@crispee

wahahaha pano kaya pag womens room naman hahahaha:p

crispee

11-22-2005, 11:46 PM

I’m terribly sorry sa post ko sa itaas…Salamat, Manong Crispee, sa paalala…sana maayos ng mga moderators kaagad. Gomen ne…

An-nadam laengen next time ading;). Gagangay iti agdadamo, agkamali latta nu kua.

crispee

11-22-2005, 11:48 PM

@crispee

wahahaha pano kaya pag womens room naman hahahaha:p

Di ko masasagot yan docomo. Sa Men’s room lang ako pumapasok:D

denganda

11-24-2005, 12:26 PM

What causes arthritis?
Dawson was a little drunk, smelled of beer, sat down,
sat next to a priest on a city bus. Dawson’s tie was
stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and
a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began
reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and
asked, “Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replied, “My son, it is caused by loose
living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol and contempt for your fellow man, sleeping
around with prostitutes and a lack of personal
hygiene.”

Dawson muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be darned,”
and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his
hand gently on the man’s arm and apologized. “I’m
sorry. I should not have come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have arthritis, Father,” Dawson replied. “I
was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Quick thinking
A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy a half
head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant
tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager. The
boy says he’ll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his
manager, “Some idiot wants to buy half a head of
lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so
he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to
buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his
way.

Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir.” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and
hockey players up
there.”

“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada.”

“No kidding?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”

denganda

11-24-2005, 12:30 PM

Hetong isa pa. The apples part palagay ko totoo, pero the wine part, joke lang guys ha!

Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men… men are like fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

RISINGSUN

11-24-2005, 05:16 PM

Anak: nay, pakakasalan daw po ako ni Jeff.
Ina: Yun naman pala, eh bakit malungkot ka?

Anak: Kasi po wala siyang religion, di po siya naniniwala sa Diyos, at di naniniwalang me langit at impiyerno.
Ina: sige pakasalanan mo siya, sa atin niya malalaman na may langit at impiyerno…

Nanay: Anak ano itong zero sa test paper mo?
Anak: Nay hindi po yan zero, naubusan ng star si maam kaya binigyan niya ako ng moon.

ugnayan

11-25-2005, 01:01 AM

Manong Crispee, pagyamanak iti naisawang mo! Pasensyaan-nak! Kas sao mi, “agraraman” nga agusar gamin. FBI ka ba? As in Full-Blooded Ilocano?

OK, ngarud! Para kenka daytoy angaw ko:

Never argue with a child

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal it’s throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied," Then you ask him".

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,’ There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘that’s Michael. He’s a doctor.’”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “Because your feet aren’t empty.”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,
“Take all you want. God is watching the apples!”

aprilluck

11-25-2005, 03:38 PM

Bago umalis ang ina nag bilin sa anak nang ganito:

Ina: kahit sino pa ang kumatok at tumawag huwag mong bubuksan ,
sabihin mong walang tao,sige na at aalis na ako.

nang may kumatok sa pinto ,sumagot ang anak ng ganito:

Anak: bilin ng nanay ko ,pag may kumatok sabihin ko raw walang tao dito!!!

(sino kaya ang sumagot, Aso?)

Pulubi: Palimos po ! Palimos po !
Tao : Patawad po ! Patawad po !
Pulubi: Humihingi na po kayo nang tawad ,wala pa naman kayong ginagawang kasalanan .

( oo nga naman )

Nakikinig ang anak sa pag-uusap ng kanyang magulang sa kabilang silid:

Ama: Ay naku ! iyun palang kapit-bahay natin may pinatay ,ayun inaresto na ng pulis at
at dinala na sa bilangguan
Ina : Talaga ! Iyan ang napapala ng masamang tao .
(biglang sumigaw ang Ina) Anak! Paki patay mo na ang ang ilaw?
Anak: 'Nay naman, Bakit gusto n’yo pang sundan ko ang kapitbahay natin sa bilangguan ?

Pulis: Kung gusto mong makauwi pa nang may malay ,Kumanta ka na !
Suspect: Sir ! paano iyan Lupang Hinirang lang ang alam ko,sintunado pa 'ko

Ay Naku !!!

bahala na kayo d’yan, matawa ,matibay .

halloween

11-25-2005, 11:42 PM

Eto totoong nangyari.

I was teaching my student these words: cheap, reasonable and expensive. Dahil di nya ma pronounce mabuti ang salitang reasonable pinasulat ko sa board while I was trying to help her. Syllabicate ko para mas madaliaan sha. Tapos eto na while she was trying to spell… R E A S O N A pagdating sa b sabi ko b as in boy, akalain mo ba namang isulat reasonaboy.

Grabe, di ko maiwasang di matawa buti na lang tumawa din sha kaya di offensive ang dating. Haaaay, parang gusto kong tumambling ng nakapiring ang mata. Sa loob loob ko, Dios ko, pagseseryosohin ko masyado trabaho ko eh baka mabaliw ako!

Eto pa isa. Nung minsan naman ang

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